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why? why have you changed? you are not "you" anymore.. where is the one i used to know...?
you have all disappeared,my friends. left me one by one. is there a problem with me? i'm not lost with your disappearance. just hurt.
a gaping hole has appeared in my heart...
i finally realise the reason as to why i would cry, why i would feel breathless sometimes.. i haven't really been able to breath in so long...
i am not blaming you. i blame myself. for believing in you. for deluding myself that i am wanted. for trusting that you will not change, that we would still be friends and that i could,possibly, still hold that small corner in your heart.
i did not. i am unwanted, un-needed,and disposed of after use.
just like tissue, just like a tool, just like rubbish.
perhaps its time i learnt to let go,to let you run off with them while i stay in my delusion.
perhaps you wil be happier, i know i will not.
perhaps you would come back,but i dare not hope.
and, perhaps, i will be useful some day. you will come back when you are hurt. i shall accept you with open arms.
and then,when you are gone, i shall return to my silent solitude and let the darkness of the anguish devour me.
you will not notice,as i will smile when you look at me,as though i am okay.
in my heart the hole gets picked at. the hole enlarges,threatening to tear me apart. i claw at the hole to keep off the burning sensation. i shall be alright.
i shall be alright;
i shall be fine;
i shall be there for you.
but i am broken, and none can ever fix that. no one can, and no one will.
i will remain torn and void of emotion till eternity...........
"Before you, my life was like a moonless night,but there were stars-points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore, and there was no more reason for anything..."
~Edward Cullen, New Moon pg 514, the Twilight Series.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Cullens. from left: Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the paints from last year were mush. eek. the black paint had some fungus thing inside. so gross lah. xd mixing the paint marble cake (?!) the boards we used got stuck to the big board! hahas. we then took many pictures on the way home yesterday. two girls on the machine in the arcade. they were throwing basketballs while we watched them [the guides were eating at kfc] me,mx,siqi grace "acting cool" [actually escaping the camera] mel and me grace again,this time not paying attention to me but plaing (?) with joy. joy's head in my fingers grace's head in my fingers sam,mel,me. and again. this one is the nicest pic taken. mel and me. credits to grace for helping to take some of the pictures. cheers (:
presents from ppl (: thanks so much!! from hweeying....... claire's sword: keychain. i put this on a chain around my neck. cute teddy bear phone strap. from jieying, joy, anna. chocolates, cookies and a really sweet card (: from sam,mel,grace,siqi,winnie,hengling,jolynn,alice. card and a toy doggy (: from meixin and yingying. and a great thanks to everyone with your b'dae wishes!!!!!!!! to jeanette and bao for their card. to guides and friends for wishes and gifts. THANKS EVERYONE (:
hahas!!!!! zijing was bored and so she tied the twine and played with it. long twine,so thick bundle (T.T) abstract art 3. tilt head upside down to see another face valentines day special <3 and zijing made this herself: nice checkers (: feels so thick-skinned. hahas. that's all for now,byebye (:
nothing much exciting happens today. wyan did a good job mixing the music for the class play.
today i helped the art club do their wall drawing. did a rather great job,if i do say so myself..
we faked discrimination [directed toward me cos i was the only girl guide there]. it was fun
wanted to go home with kagami but went with dor-dor, miharu and liang yi. den realised the former 2 are fetched by huiying's dad. rarr. should have gone with kagami...
again, i felt the sense of uselessness.
i am not needed in some aspects after all.. nothing but a tool, like a piece of tissue.
you use me,and you either discard me or chuck me into one corner.
i hate this. i feel so unwanted. you need me,then you call for me,if not,you have left me alone to cry in my solitude. what is wrong to feel used...?
twilight the movie!!!!!!!
2/27/2008 11:19:00 pmYES!!! THE MUCH AWAITED TWILIGHT MOVIE IS GOING TO BE OUT SO SOON!!!pictures...
gym
hallways
cafeteria
"Edward" and "Bella"
the cast for the movie
Monday, February 25, 2008
realisation
2/25/2008 09:49:00 pmand everything suddenly came into light. i'm not the important person after all. i smile,but to what? i am not happy. that was just superficial. i need to remind myself to smile sometimes. this should not be the case at all. i should start having a poker face at everybody. either that,or showing my true emotions. i don't want to hide anymore.
everyday,something claws at my heart. it is like something is missing,but i have no idea what.
i want the pain to end.
please do not reply to this post.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
thinking day celebration and class play
2/24/2008 10:40:00 pmwahaha. we had our thinking day celebration @ the national indoor stadium yesterday.. dunno why we only got bronze... we should have gotten silver!! mrs chung will find out. that is good.
i'm apologising to all my guides that i was emo yesterday. so sorry about that. you did not have to share my problems. everything is alright now.
many thanks to jolynn and audrey for the encouragements. and koonling,melanie,grace and everyone else for being so tolerant with me. thank you.
i did realise that i am not a very important person after all.. no one noticed i was missing [i went to look at some books and everyone left w/out looking for me. oh well. i found them in the end.] morning: maths remedial. new topic learned. did props for class drama later.. i was already bing emo... no idea why.we did the grass,the trapdoor,and a banana skin.these were taken days ago... 
the board says dont shock but i kept poking at it with a penknife anyway.
yours truly swept the floor afterward and ended up with this blister on my right hand. ow.
and again...
VAMPIRE KNIGHT <3
2/24/2008 09:16:00 pmchapter 1. episode 1. voice drama part 1.
chapter 1. episode1. voice drama part 2.
this is totally unrelated,but still...
thanks,esther!! my elbow is finally healing because of your help(:
Friday, February 22, 2008
updating (:
2/22/2008 11:59:00 pmupdating finally ^^ (this is a rea~~llly long post,so bear with it!!)tuesday... was kinda boring.... english--i had missed my english compre test last tuesday due to my absence from school (was in malaysia) and so i did my test in class while mrs hairul taught them how to write speeches and let us watch a charlie chaplin video. charlie acted as hitler. i listened to the video and watch his hair bounce on his head as he spoke melodratically. i also helped desiree, baolin and dunya write the speech on "what skills i have now, i learnt them in kindergarten". which goes to show,i have not been paying attention to my compre test!!!!!!! i'm probably gonna fail it.... mrs hairul was upset that many of the students in class did... the highest score was only 31/50. pathetic,she reaveled. chemistry--mr soh returned us some of our papers and went through them with us to prepare us for friday's FABULOUS CHEMISTRY TEST. nothing much there..... ss--we went to the computer lab and had part of the lesson there. maths--probability or vectors.... cant remember which chapter it was we learnt.. after school we had achievers program.... didnt manage to do much.... glen was bothering me with his relentless questions for some time. but i did managa to compare notes with the 4/2 ppl. and we conclude that mrs veda doesnt remember what she has told each class. i mean,the slides in the notes sre the same,just the extra info she tells us isnt. well,it was good we compared notes (: went to eat with wenqi, liangyi, yinyao and huiying.. koonling joined us later.... the 4 i mentioned eralier wasted some food... and huiying,well....being huiying,she made this: 
fried rice smily face made with curry.wednesday... pe--played badminton with meiyen,esther,and dorothy... el--mrs hairul was absent and so we studied for our bio test which was to be held after school.. chinese--wrote a draft for a newspaper article reflection... maths--cant rmb either.... oops.. after school--=bio test. i was half dead. we were all wondering if the hormone produced is gulcagon or insulin. i wrote the latter... ah well.... =guides training. we made cards for mrs chung and y.a. cherly as their b'daes fall on the 22nd feb, world thinking day. i made the card for y.a. cheryl with jolynn, hengling, melanie, mayxian, kareen and some others (sorry i cant rmb you!!!) we had trails made and me and kareen manage to put this up: 
weeee~~~~!!!!! so cute! siqi's head got hit!!!!! omgsh!!!! ouch~ must dodge next time arh!thursday... HAPPY BIRHTDAY, WENQI!! SWEET SIXTEEN!!! [TO ME,AS WELL.]engilsh--some groups presented their speeches. weizheng's group was hilarious,about the health benefits of "eating flowers". cool. bio--mrs veda finished teaching about excretion. physics--we were given more homework by mrs yeo. she teaches at a whooping speed of........???? just very very......fast!! ah well... assembly--we watched 4/4 and 4/3 perform. 4/4 will win again,i think... the 3 muskerteers [sk, xiuxian, ariffin [sp?]] were great as crazy ppl in the home for abused children. adil acted as a girl again,this time named kelly,wearing fbt. reminded me of the 2/5 class play we did 2 yrs ago. he acted as the snow fairy and wore.... justine's pink mini-skirt.with his pe pants inside. wow. i'm amazed at his courage. kaisheng was touched again. omgsh la. is lyk all the 4/3 guys all so gay.... and i think most of them are from the ug. omgsh. ug guys=gay?? and their singing was.... reat.at off-key. hahas ss remadial after school--we were taught by mr alexander choy. he is an amazingly amusing man. he told us his life stories [some parts of it,at least] and is kinda melodramatic... i can see a next kenneth..... [whoops hahas]received many gifts from my friends. [will elaborate later] thanks,everyone!! friday...WORLD THINKING DAY!!!i can only exclaim that i did a horrendous job of raising the school flag. i was super-slow. and i was panicking a LOT before the flag-raising. i tried to control my shivering. i hope no one noticed i did shiver. it was embarassing enough without it. this morning,yours truly arrived late for the fall-in time. this is also the morning i got so many jiayous from everyone. thanks very much to audrey and konling for all the cheers. and everyone else for their silent notions. and thanks to audrey again for teaching me how to raise the flag properly. i have to thank yingxin as well for that. this year's thinking day message was ridiculously short. we stood there only for a short time. well;shorter than last year,at least.maths--we went through out further coordinate geometry worksheets and did some practice on vectors. vectors is becoming easier for me now,but i still have parts i do not understand,so i guess its time to start asking (: chemistry-- the FABULOUS chemistry test. so many calculations. and most of us cannot finish the paper. i already lost about 14 marks myself. i just wrote stuff to fill up the space. eek. recess--went to 3/2 to get something from grace. its a present from lots of ppl. thanks,guys (: also studied for geog test. fixed my elbow during recess too. thanks to esther i was able to pull out a "plug" made of pus. it was a disgusting process. i shall not elaborate. chinese--went through how best to write article reflections. had a great time watching our lao-da teasing calvin.. poor calvin,hid his head under his chem book to prevent getting hit. his expressing was super-hilarious lah. geog--ms chin has to be one of the best tchers. let us study first then let us do the test. but from what i've heard none of us has completed the test lor. i lost 6 marks.. TT_TT went to change to pt kit so can do props afterward. we had great ideas for the props. hurray for meiyen,weizheng and me on the success of the design of our house [the prop]. cleaned the class while they went to buy paint. i was stoning for awhile and then went to look for koonling at her class. talked with susan,koonling and joled. junyan was alone.
then went home with weizheng and meiyen and dorothy.pictures (:glen and qinjie were "fighting" in class. wahaha.
lao-da's drawing in class [again!]
Friday, February 15, 2008
guides training
2/15/2008 10:09:00 pmyay, training today is FUN!!
we did games and pt and gadgets and valentines day special: making sandwiches!gadgetsthis is super hilarious. koonling made a nice structure but zijing had to keep destroying it [she plays with it]
zijing tilts it,turns it,and loosened its knots! [*bwahaha*]
original
abstract art 1
abstract art 2
looks like dying man
den we added a head to it.
koonling holding it in another direction
took in another view..
sandwiches in valentines day theme! yum!
hardworking...
heart-shape!!
holey!!
nutella-filled love!
the "x-men" plate